Martyr
by Mitsukiu
Summary: So he chooses suffering. He was used to it, it was no foreing feeling. But if suffering and clamping his feelings down meant that he could stay by her side so be it. He couldn't afford to lose her, that ray of light that had appeared in the dark. There was no way that he was giving up that easily, this was not over yet. So he chooses to suffer and wait...
**Author's Note:** Hello everyone! I'm Mitsukiu and this is my first story on this fandom. I desesperate needed to do something about my feelings because I just couldn't accept that ending. Just a note before you proceed: this will be angsty and kinda dark, mature content will appear as we progress on the story, so rating may change. And also, english is not my birth language and I don't have a beta so if you find any errors I'm trying my best to do this :) so off we go!

" **Martyr"**

 _[From_ _Late_ _Greek_ _martur_ _,_ _from_ _Greek_ _martus_ _,_ _martur-_ _,_ _witness_ _.]_

 _[One_ _who_ _makes_ _great_ _sacrifices_ _or_ _suffers_ _much_ _in_ _order_ _to_ _further_ _a_ _belief,_ _cause,_ _or_ _principle.]_

-o-

 **Prologue: Meaning.**

The first time he heard the word, he was only a five year old boy. His fathers were having a fight, like he was now used to it and he heard his mother shout with anger, through his covered ears.

"I'm not going to stay here and suffer like a martyr by your side. This is not the life that I want!."

He didn't understand the meaning of the word, he didn't understand anything at all. He was just a boy, a little boy and his world was slowly falling apart like breaking glass, scatter fragments all over the place with no place to hide.

The second time, he didn't heard the word but actually read it. He was at Tongyeong's Love House,

Unable to sleep, he just skipped through the children's bed and went for a walk. Silent like only a cat could be; his steps a mere whisper. The books on the library were all in order, but one was displayed at the empty desk. It was some kind of history book, but with some cute pictures of battles and colorful heroes. The page was open and a woman in and armor was showed with a halo around her. "St Joan of Arc is said to have been a martyr, she died with firm convictions of his God." He looked at the picture and read again the sentence. She died with firm convictions: a Martyr. Certainly, it didn't connect to the image of his mother shouting back then when he was only a kid, but it caused him some kind of recognition. Something that he couldn't quite place yet, but it was making noise inside of him. He kept repeating the word in his head on his way to bed, lost on his own thoughts as he drifted away. Martyr…

The third time, the word was directed towards him and it really, really took him by surprise. One: because of the person that said that to him, and two: for his meaning. Go Eun Byul was staring at him with a blank expression, she had it all figured it out about his feelings for her sister, but he just shrugged her off. He didn't felt like wanting to talk to her, or be in the mood to open his heart and start digging. So he just listen to her, watch her stare at him…and then, just then when she was on her way out he heard her shout.

"Fine, be a martyr if you want but don't expect people start feeling sorry for you 'cause you give up on her. It's your choice."

"Be a what?" he mumbled, but she had already disappeared, leaving him alone. He couldn't figure out why but it upset him to the point of wanting to hit something or…someone. Wait, what? Was he a martyr? And also, what's with her suggestion that he WANTED to be one. Martyrs were people that suffered, like for real…but also for a cause, for something that they believed. So what was the connection here? Like he was a choosing suffering?

The questions and the words were all over him, like a tornado inside his head. Couldn't believe, couldn't understand and nothing made sense. Luckily, for Gong Tae Kwang, answers where right by the corner, and he would thank Go Eun Byul later for having all figured out for him. Because he was and actually is… a Martyr by choice.

 **Chapter one: Discoveries**.

 _[_ _O_ _ne_ _who_ _suffers_ _for_ _th e_ _sake_ _of_ _principle.]_

If people could choose who they loved life will be another thing. If feelings could change or be manipulated by choice then that would be the key and the solution of many problems around the world. Gong Tae Kwang wasn't a dreamer, or a peacekeeper, but sometimes he just wished feelings were less complicated. He never had experience with dealing with his own feelings. His parents broke up when he was little and his mother abandoned him to keep on with his career while his father shut down on his own inferno, closing the door and leaving him in isolation. Probably because Tae Kwang remember him of her mother, and the love that he had and lost. That wasn't fair, he knew it…but the scar was already all over his chest. Invisible but hurting like hell because he was alone in a room full of technology and games and commodities, but…alone in the end. There was no one who can hear him cry, and there was no one who can watch his sleep. No hugs, no lullabies, no…love. Sometimes he wondered if he hadn't lost all signs of empathy, he couldn't care less about the things around him. He was just…blank.

Until one day…she just came, and looked at him. Like for real, and actually talked to him! He really thought at that moment that her brain damaged must be massive, but somehow he liked the way that sounded. Go Eun Byul…wasn't ignoring him anymore. Him: the weirdo, the crazy and violent guy of the class. Nope, she was treating him like a normal person and that…stirred something deep inside his chest, something…that went direct to the void inside his heart.

Eventually he learned that she wasn't Go Eun Byul, and that really make sense to him like perfectly cause she never tried to hit him or look at him with eyes of disapproval and disgust. No, she was just kind and good with the people around her. She was keeping a secret, and Tae Kwang was happy to be part of that. To be part of something…that was really new to him too

She started to talk about her worries, and then _he_ came to the picture. Yes, the school's favorite athlete: Han Yi Ahn. Apparently, she was not telling him the truth about her not being Go Eun Byul and she was just pretending to be her. He could understand this. Maybe she felt pity for him and was to kind to break his illusion. He could only offer her a "Do nothing." By response when she asked for advice. Maybe his answer hit the spot, because she smiled at him and then again something inside his heart stirred deeply, like strings touched gently. It caused him goosebumps.

He wanted to be the first person that called her by her real name. And he make it clear for her, he didn't care what name she wore on her school's ID. He only cared about her, being just her. The night was full of stars and the wind barely moved her hair when she turned to meet him and said "Thank you." At that time he wished that time could be stopped, and they remain together on the roof of that building. If people asked him now, asked about her…and when was the moment he realized his feelings, he would answer that he fell for her irrevocably that night on the roof.

When he confessed and she rejected him, Tae Kwang knew instantly why. First he was a mess at expressing his own feelings and had trouble letting his thoughts out. Two, Eun Bi still had this kind of commitment with Han Yi Ahn. He supposes she fell for him on the times that she was pretending to be his sister, and now that the truth was out, she couldn't think of any other thing that wasn't making things right. There was no place for him in her life…and if felt so damn familiar he almost had to use all of his will force to not cry in front of her. "I know." He mumbled cause he really knows, he knows all. He pulled her into him, wanting to feel the warmth, feel the closeness…feel all the things that he haven't felt on his life. "Just this once…" _please,_ he wanted to shout, but no words came out of his mouth. She was tense under his arms and it only made things worse because he felt like a monster forcing her. But if he was honest with himself, he felt like a monster all the time. So why not add another time?

Tae Kwang broke his knuckles that night. He felt so much pain and it was so familiar that the only thing that keep his sanity was to hit and to feel physical pain. To know that he was alive to hurt. The concrete broke with a harsh sound but he couldn't care less. The blood started dripping from his knuckles and onto the floor but he just keep smashing, pressing, hurting. " _You're broken, you're a loss cause, you're a shell of a person. No one could love a mess like you."_ He heard his father's words through, and he finished smashing the wall with so much force that left him numb. He just stayed there, frozen and with the puddle of blood slowly forming around him. Broken, bruised, forgotten and sore.

-o-

 **Please let me know what you think :) is it too much angst? Chapter two is almost done so join me on this journey 3**


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